Is the Scranton Scrapper in Fighting Shape? Will President Pinocchio squeeze out a W? A Nov. 3 preview.

by Alan Wain and Leslie Butler

Slow Joe Biden is really up against it now folks. He’s out of his element. Nothing in his recent political experience will have prepared the Delaware Dotard for the upcoming fight of his life. If he’s to win this thing, he will have to stop thinking of it as an election. It’s more like a fight film — the sequel to the 2016 hit “The Big Fight: Dirty Donnie versus Shrill Hil”, teaser-line “This time it’s personal!” Let’s call the new one: “The Big Fight 2: Hil’s nicer buddy tags in”: “This time, also personal”.

Joe had better keep a close eye on his opponent. Dirty Donnie is not above kicking a foe in the nards and biting his ear before the ref has even finished explaining the rules. Nor will he hesitate to throw his money and power around to fix fights because fair fighting is for suckers and losers. And don’t expect the judges to ensure fairness because this bout’s top judge is none other than Donnie’s bestie, Big Bill “I’ll allow it” Barr.

Overconfidence on Biden’s part would be an ill-advised repeat of the hubris what led to hapless Hil’s horrible hammering in aught 16. The Dems in Joe’s corner will surely not, this second time around, underestimate the appeal of nostalgia and faux populism delivered in a two-stooges, dumb and dumber act by Trump and Pence. The Dems must accept from the opening bell that the American people love low brow corn, hope (even when its false) and lies so long as they are tarted up to look pretty.

Trash talk and eye candy make the fight

In fight theatrics, production values matter. The pre-fight stare-down, posturing and trash talking are integral and crucial to the spectacle. Who can forget Dirty Donnie’s debate-debasing hovering behind bewildered little Hil during the 2016 debates? Having a hot chick circle the ring carrying the round-number sign between bells while showing a lot of skin is always a great visual too. So, First Lady Melania should be a great asset to the Trump campaign. She’s worth every penny Dirty Donnie paid for her. Hubba hubba, right fellas? (and lesbians?). And, of course, in an election, the stare-down, posturing, trash talking, flexing and eye candy are the fight. There’s really not a whole lot more for the voters beyond that.

Make no mistake though, Dirty Donnie is the defending champ for a reason. If there is one thing this potty-mouthed prez knows how to do, its dish trash on an opponent.

A lot of people say he’s the Prince of Putdowns, the Sultan of Smears, the Duke of Dissing, a Bellowing Bronx Bully, a real New York Nasty and Rude Roarer. Unfettered by truthfulness, conscience or decency he’ll bob and weave freely, constantly inflating his own importance while flicking out a steady stream of mean, petty, cutting little jabs belittling the legitimate accomplishments of others. The book on him is: bloats like a butterball, stings like a flea. Give him his due though — President Pinocchio is a veritable Lord of the Lies, a Baron of Bragging, Shaman of Sham, Khan of Cons, Mouth of Myths, Fount of Fables, and a Washington Windbag.

For voters yearning for sunshine and happy tales, Dirty Donnie delivers that too. He’s Mr. Make-Believe, the Great Gaslighter. “Crisis? What crisis? Nobody’s still talking about COVID anymore. That’s sooo last season!! And was it ever even here, I mean really here, much? Ventilators, baby. I got us the ventilators. So strap in for your super V recovery. It’s going to be so treeeemendous like you should not, I mean would not, even believe!!!”

The game is checkers, stupid

And that works. So Biden needs to figure out how to duck and counter punch against a guy who when he goes low, goes ankle-sweep low.

Dirty Donnie’s highly effective debating tactics are worth studying. They are unorthodox. He has borrowed nothing from the genteel and toney cleverness of groups like the Harvard Debate Team. He keeps it simple knowing he does not need three dimensional chess skills when the game is checkers. Trump is old school — very basic, primitive even. Old school like from the 1950s and basic like a grade school. He’s primitive in that his debating tactics are those of a skilled but bratty, Grade 5, maybe 6, schoolyard taunting bully.

Dirty Donnie still lives in that simpler, more innocent time, circa 1956, when he was much more innocent too. Back then he’d only grabbed ’em by the pig-tails (we must all hope). Nor had he yet acquired his impressive, almost magical phoenix-like ability to rise up unscathed from the ashes of bankruptcy after bankruptcy after bankruptcy (assuming the lad had dodged the financially perilous world of paper routes).

But if the child is indeed father to the man we can safely assume the future prez cut his debating teeth in the cruel world of schoolyard pecking orders. His daddy’s money had purchased him a top spot among the cool boys and mean girls who terrorized the playground teasing, putting down and belittling the other little people. And little Donnie must have really enjoyed doing that because he has never out grown it.

Biden must beware of at least three well-known and effective debating techniques that every grade six bully worth his salt learns to master. Let’s call them: the trope a dope, the I-am-rubber and blow-harding in the wind. The first taught Dirty Donnie how to jab and force an opponent to play defense. The second taught him counter punching. And the third was perhaps the most important of all — it taught him how to pose and posture and brag in the pre-fight.

Trope-a-Dope

The trope-a-dope is a devastating tease. It is performed by telling insulting, often untrue stories about someone just to make him or squirm and deny the accusations. In childhood this might mean saying, for example: “Joey wets his bed! Joey has cooties! Joey’s mom is a slut! Joey is dumb! Joey is a sissy! Joey stu-stu-stu-stutters! Joey’s family is poor! Joey likes the fat loser and has a crush on the homely girl! The taunts can be so unpleasant that a targeted victim can have a knee jerk overreaction to try to get out from under the tropes. Little Joey may even do things he will regret like defriending his fat friend, calling the very nice homely girl “ugly” or beating up some other kid who doesn’t deserve it just to prove Joey is not a sissy.

In adulthood the trope-a-dope may take the form of rapid fire taunts like: “Joe is senile. Joe is a puppet. Joe loves China. Joe’s got socialism. Joe loves criminals. Joe loves anarchists. Joe hates guns. Joe hates cops. Joe hates the burbs. Joe hates fracking. Joe hates America.” Biden will need to be constantly checking his back and removing the steady stream of “kick me” signs that Donnie keeps putting there during clinches.

He should expect to have to peel a lot signs off his back saying things like “loser”, “old man”, “deep state traitor”, “swamp thing” and “demented”. And he must avoid the temptation to overreact. He must be careful not to suck in for becoming too effusive while publicly distancing himself from “radical” protestors, environmentalists, gun control activists, peaceniks and progressives or in embracing cops, guns, law and order, war, fracking and the status quo. Otherwise, those struggling hard to abide Biden will walk away in disgust.

I am rubber

The I-am-rubber tactic is short for “I am rubber, you are glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” Or you may know it by the pithier: “I know you are but what am I?” It is just throwing any accusations against yourself back at your accuser. In childhood this might mean counterpunching with: “No, you’re dumb.” “You have the cooties.” Or the devastating: “He who smelt it, dealt it”.

In adulthood, the I-am-rubber counterpunch becomes: “I was out of line in Ukraine? You were out of line in Ukraine.” “I’m a Russia puppet? China plays you like a fiddle.” “I don’t respect science? You don’t respect science.” “I messed up on Covid? You messed up on Covid.“ “I hate Black people? You take them for granted and give them nothing.” And on and on, leaving those not paying close attention with the illusion that the fight must be a draw.

Finally, there is the blowhard ploy. In Grade 6, when a guy has few real life accomplishments of which to boast, the answer my friend is blowharding in the wind. The answer? Blowharding in the wind. For this ploy to work, it is crucial to round up the most gullible minded in the herd and brag only to them.

Luckily, the gullible minded were numerous on a Grade 6 playground circa 1956. You can tell them you are practically a genius, already getting hit on by high school girls and friends with Elvis. The genius thing may be only your mom’s opinion, and the high school girlfriends and Elvis friendship are more aspirational goals than real things. But you don’t have to tell the mouth breathers that. They will believe you because, well, it’s Grade 6.

In adulthood, blowharding in the wind may also include claiming to being a very stable genius because “person, man, woman, camera, television”. Right? One’s famous friends may include Vlad The Poisoner, Lil Kim (the dictator not the singer) and the mysterious shadowy patriot QAnon. To pad your resume’s list of milestones passed on the road to making America Great Again, one can always add a few boasts requiring an asterisk, like:

-built a wall across the southern border*

- stuck Mexico with the bill for it*

- ended ISIS*

- ended America’s foreign wars*

- ended Obamacare and replaced it with Trump Doesn’t Care*

-shrank the national debt*

-saved the nation’s racist monuments and symbols*

-forced Iran back to the renegotiation table*

-brought regime change to Venezuela*

-banished nuclear weapons from the Korean peninsula*

-drained the Washington Swamp*

-made coal and oil cool again*

-restored America’s reputation in the world*

*indicates “aspirational only at present”

Uh oh. Did the DNC pick another stiff?

The smart money is betting on no knockout on November 3rd. But there are enough riveting storylines to still make watching the returns must-see-tv. Which way will the swing states swing? Will the pollsters have egg all over their faces again? Did the DNC pick another stiff?

Are the progressives doomed to a night of regret regardless of who wins, regardless of whether they sat out the election or held their noses and tried to help put their un-beloved Uncle Joe into the White House? Will Sleepy Joe’s handlers let him stay up past his bed time to see the late returns come in? Will he understand why they won’t let him go to sleep, or get cranky? And what kind of conspiracy story will Dirty Donnie go with to pretend he was robbed of victory when things don’t go his way?

If it goes to the score cards, The Big Fight 3 will be a courtroom drama. It’s working title: “A Plague of Lawyers” with the teaser tag-line “This time, it’s nerdy”. It will feature a great flock of briefcase clutching nattering nerds descending upon the Supreme Court to begin screeching and pecking away at one another in front of nine judges. It won’t be riveting but it will produce a verdict that the losing side can brand “fake justice”, premise for “The Big Fight 4: The Final Showdown — Libtards versus Deplorables — “This time, it’s for keeps!”

The Big Fight 4 might be action-packed and also scary. None of us is likely to enjoy it. So, let’s hope it never gets produced. Let’s hope Joe Biden, the Scranto Scrapper surprises us with a knockout November